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Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful pair in their early thirties. In jealousy of loving each other profoundly, they often find themselves in clash over seemingly inferior issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their marrying anniversary, they had a particularly hurtful controversy. Jamie had expressed her unhappiness about Kurt’s engaged timetable and the limited period he finds to spend with her. As usual, Kurt promised to try harder and they got through it. But having not dealt with the real issues at hand, the problem was bound to resurface. Jamie unknowingly began planting the seeds for their next bout when she judged to bring up the subject of their anniversary.
“Kurt, I equitable wanted to caution you that afterward week is our anniversary and it‘s actually momentous that we blueprint something special for us.”
Kurt took a deep respiration and reacted, “Jamie, you understand I don’t really like parties.”
“Oh come on Kurt. It’s really important to me.” Nearly pleading, Jamie continued. “When you really love somebody, you try to do what is important to them, right? I made the plans last year and now it’s your turn. Why don’t you startle me…something really mythological! Okay?”
Silent and far, Kurt gave a delicate nod, which was all the certainty Jamie needed that this anniversary would be exceptional. She could scarcely go that week fantasizing about what Kurt would do to demonstrate his eternal love. Finally, the day arrived! Kurt had agreed to be home by six o clock. By twenty elapse six, Jamie was perturbed. With each peek at the timer, her pacing accelerated. At last, Kurt hiked through the door looking tense and clutching a wreath of red roses. Jamie took the roses with a wary smile, anticipating what was coming next. Without even so many as a peek, Kurt turned around, got a beer out of the fridge, and sank into the couch, catching the remote control.
Jamie watched intently, feeling her blood turn to ice. “That’s it?” she asked.
“That’s what?”
“That’s it? It’s our anniversary!” Jamie’s intonation grew sharp. “You said you would plan something special and romantic and this…” shaking the roses in her clenched fist, “this is it?”
“I never said I would do anything,” Kurt retorted. “I told you it wasn’t my thing.”
“Don t lie to me! You nodded yeah!”
“No,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I didn’t. I didn’t agree apt everything. You forever absence me apt certify that I adore you. I detest that! Even whether I did want to do someone for our annual, I surely wouldn’t want to afterward you differentiate me you anticipate it! Sullenly, Kurt cornered back to the television. You take entire the amusement out of anything.
Jamie dissolved into tears. “Well if you knew how to show me you loved me, I wouldn’t have to say anything.”
Without a word, Kurt turned off the TV and left the house.
Once repeatedly, Jamie and Kurt were left emotion unheard and unappreciated. Their conditioned response was to reprove each other for their impair feelings and offended action.
In mandate to comprehend how entities went so wrong, we absence to see by the interaction in terms of their purpose to learn alternatively their intention to defend.
Jamie starts out trying to control Kurt along making him feel guilty. Kurt, not wanting to be controlled and not capable to communicate how creature controlled makes him feel, pushes into resistance, which is his fashion of control. Jamie thinks that arranging on more guilt (control) will accomplish her objective to have a romantic anniversary. Since Kurt is frustrated with his inability to express his brewing feelings, he shakes into calm (control). Finally, when Kurt comes family late and sits on the sofa, he demonstrates passivity (control) to which Jamie responds with pique (control). Kurt uses extra resistance (control) and Jamie uses extra anger and guilt (control). Kurt gets defensive (control) and disappears (control). Attack, withstand, blame, safeguard, on and on…Sound versed?
Neither Kurt nor Jamie want to hurt each other. Unfortunately,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], they are also not open to learning about their own feelings and behaviors, or each